2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”