Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.