Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.