My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.