I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.