Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
selfie game
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*