My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
🤭😂
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.