“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
we all know this pain all too well
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)