When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.