I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot