My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…