me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
School be like
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..