My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.