Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family