We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles