Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.