CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
You Might Also Like
bout dat hot dog summer
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
LOL!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
me, too, girl. me, too.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.