Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it