It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.