“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Breaking news:
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not