I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”