[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.