*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Happy Thanksgiving
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”