Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
What a chick magnet..
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear