Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You Might Also Like
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒