Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Realize this:
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
We have a winner.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.