Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.