my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
guilty
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?