Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.