*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky