Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews