You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?