Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*puts my mental health in rice
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.