Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton