Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
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me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.