According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
🤔😂😂
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN