Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?