Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.