Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
You Might Also Like
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.