being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
You Might Also Like
I can’t deal with men any longer
sistine chapel
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
CUTE CAT‼︎