Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen