No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school