i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.