Self-cleaning conscience
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me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Social Media and Real life
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth