Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
You Might Also Like
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.