My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
even bears disappoint their mothers
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.