Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
OH. COME. ON.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
pelicons
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-