Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars