I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
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There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Aight bet
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
White Castle for the Win
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor