Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”